We were feeling a bit nostalgic today for the old days. Back before blogs, before web 2.0, yay, nigh on back before time itself. But even back then, there was the Broken Plank, the first Dalek Bell enterprise. I’ve always been particularly proud of the guarantee we added at the height of Y2K hysteria:

Year 1900 statement: Our computers have been carefully validated to ensure they will not confuse the year 1900 with 1900, and this site has been officially declared year 1900 compliant.

We’ve tried to rescue some of the spirit of the plank at makesweet.com, but sometimes I long for another episode in the Mr. Nibbles trilogy…

If you’re blank, you can blank! Did you know that? Gosh headlines are fun!

Apparently if you want to be effective in life, you need to eat an entire menagerie (see point 2). And here’s me sitting drinking a cup of tea, I’m getting it wrong on so many levels!

If you want a challenge, try writing a romantic message in hobo sign. Or even just a non-homicidal one. I recently tried making a little romantic note for Mrs. Bell. If I’d wanted to say: “be ready to defend yourself, there’s no point going this way, owner will give to get rid of you” I’d have been all set. But that isn’t exactly what I was going for. In the end, I settled on this:

In other words, “you can camp here, a kind lady lives here, the sky’s the limit.”

Although I was sorely tempted by “free telephone.” Next on the list to try: semaphore and/or DNA.

Richard Stallman speaking on an MIT mailing list (public archive here), responding to the implicit characterization of GNU/Linux as an alternative to Windows.

Calling GNU/Linux an “alternative” to Windows
is like calling democracy an “alternative” to dictatorship.
It’s not wrong, but it’s a drastic understatement. (*)

This paragraph is nicely phrased. It does not state that GNU/Linux equals democracy and that Windows equals dictatorship (although the rhetorical implications are there). It does suggest that there is probably more to this “alternative” than the choice between, say, different breakfast cereals, or hair products. Democracy is an alternative to dictatorship, but it posits a completely different set of “rules of the game.” Alternative products on the marketplace are not usually different in that sense. Different types of shampoo will not radically change how you live or work. Democracy did, and so does GNU/Linux.

(*) small grammar fix made, see original text.

Here’s a round-up of jobs a Klingon can fall back on if the starship tactical officer gig doesn’t work out.

Klingon chef

Klingons are natural cooks. All that chopping up and boiling appeals to their instincts. Here’s a sample recipe:

Home-Style Gagh

SERVES 1-2

Find someone who has already prepared some home-style gagh. Kill him/her in honorable combat and take his/her gagh. Serve cold and enjoy.

(via McSweeney’s, lots more recipes there)

Klingon monk

Klingons are natural philosophers, very clear on their place and the place of god within the universe, as evidenced by the following conversation:

KIRA: Do Klingons have gods?
WORF: Not any more. They were all slain by Klingon warriors a millenium ago. They were more trouble than they were worth.

(via starbase118)

Klingon fashion designer

Sheldon Comics advances this interesting possibility. The characters there have the following discussion:

“But in every episode, all the Klingons are wearing different outfits.”

“Yeah, so?”

“So? So it means that somewhere on the Klingon homeworld, there’s a Klingon fashion designer. It means there’s one dude who’s going - this season: more buckles! less leather! … next season: more over-the-shoulder metal sashes! Man, I wanna see the episode about that Klingon!”

“He rides into battle gloriously! shouting: careful, that vest was hand stitched!”

Klingon software engineer

There seems to be a strange fellow-feeling amongst programmers and Klingons showing on the internets right now. Example quotes making the rounds:

• What is this talk of ‘release’? Klingons do not make software ‘releases.’ Our software ‘escapes’ leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in its wake.
• Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!
• And lots more…

Klingon love-doctor

Worf on Star Trek gave the young Wesley excellent advice on love, which we could all do with following:

Worf: “AAAAAAAUUUUURRRGGGGHHHH! That is how a Klingon lures a mate.”
Wesley: “Are you telling me to yell at Salia?”
Worf: “No, no, no. Men do not roar. Women roar. Then they hurl heavy objects. And claw at you.”
Wesley: “What does the man do?”
Worf: “He reads love poetry. He ducks a lot.”
Wesley: “Worf, it sounds like it works great for the Klingons, but… I need to try something a little less… dangerous?”
Worf: “Go to her door, beg like a human.”

(from “The Dauphin” episode)

On makesweet.com, we have a blood-thirsty murderous Klingon offering similar advice on life and love.

Klingon Opera singer

Klingons are apparently quite into opera. Who can forget the haunting strains of Aktuh and Melota:

BOOOOW-cha-daaay…
KEEEY-cha-daaay…
Me-YO-cha-BEEN-evaaa-kaa-MOOOOR…
LIIING-tomaaa…
Oh-ma-do-VEE-kos……ZOOOOOOO!
Oh-ma-do-VEE-kos……ZOOOOOOO!

(source: SajQa). I think we’ve all felt like saying that to a loved one at one time or another.

Update: DragonConTV has a video of what depths Klingons have to sink to between Star Trek shows. Tip: don’t ask your Klingon waiter to cut your sandwich in half. He may get a bit… over-enthusiastic shall we say.

Update: Oregon is not hiring Klingon interpreters. I repeat, if you are a Klingon interpreter do not seek employment in Oregon. It is strange to be having to say this.