Say it with lolcats! See the love category on icanhascheezburger for romantic lolcats. Valentine’s day gold. Our favorites:

• we haz an us
• i like big mutts / and i can not lie
• i luvz u / but dis can nevr be

Thinking of getting your honey something nice? Good idea! You’ll want to avoid getting them any of the following:

1. A box of milk chocolate if they like dark, or vice versa. If you don’t know what kind of chocolate your sweetie likes, then you had better start paying attention. Chocolate is serious.
2. Any kind of diet book. I shouldn’t have to say this.
3. A bonsai potato kit. Don’t ask.
4. A book you want to read. Even if they want to read it too, they will question your motives. As do I.
5. A book you don’t want to read. Why would you get anyone a book not even you like?
6. Even worse: a subscription to a magazine you’ve never seen them read. You want them to get a weekly reminder in the mail of how poorly you understand them?
7. A domain name. Domain names don’t count as gifts, apparently. They are not real enough. Not even if they come with a nice card and a ribbon. Sigh.
8. Road flares, reflective vests or a good pair of shoe insoles. Seriously.

We came across some confirmation of this list on Amazon’s bad gift ideas for Valentine’s day.  Number one recommendation: a diet book.  Then a smattering of other books and magazines with titles like “why you’re so dumb and broke”, “taxidermy today”, and so on.  There are a few items we hadn’t thought of telling you to avoid, such as:

• Stainless Steel ANSI Flat Washer #1/4 Narrow .281″ ID x .500″ OD x .063″ Thick (Pack of 100)
• Human Heart Model (4x actual size)

… but hopefully you could figure that much out yourselves.

We’ve been trying to come up with good romantic nicknames. It isn’t as easy as it sounds. Most of the lists lying around online are rather dull. Here’s what we’ve got so far:

• Chuckle-cheeks.
• Goose-bumps.
• Pookie-snooks.
• Poptart.
• Jiggles McJiggypants.
• Twinkle-toes.
• Nuzzle-nose.
• Snoopy.
• Poopy.
• Snugglepuss.
• Dumble-dear.
• Fox-trot.
• Sweetmeat.
• Happy-feet.
• Fishbreath (use only if you can say it lovingly enough to distract from its actual meaning).

We’ve obviously got a lot of work to do.

The good people at rinkworks.com have the following suggestion for making romantic pet names:

Mix up the syllables “pook,” “wee,” “hon,” “oop,” and “ums,” (never use the syllables “skuzz” or “elch”), rhyme a lot, and make liberal references to baked goods. […] “Sweetie Pumpkin Pookums” is a perfectly acceptable and effective pet name, as are “Moopsie Cutie,” “Hunny Wunny Cakes,” and, for the extravagant, “Snookie Wookum Weetie Bunny Pie.” (It may seem odd to novices that cooked rodents would be romantic, but they are.)

They’ve even provided a handy pet name generator to help you come up with a name for your… err… Wuggywoogledumpling.

In preparation for Valentine’s day, we’re expanding our romantic things to do online list. We’ve given some tips for finding unusual reasons to celebrate (including the fooaversary discussion from this blog). For example, for February 14th, why send a boring old Valentine’s greeting when you could send a card celebrating:

• The first trainload of oranges leaves Los Angeles (February 14, 1886)
• Edward Prince of Wales, later King Edward VII, becomes the first member of the British royal family to ride in an automobile (February 14, 1896)
• Aretha Franklin tapes “RESPECT” (February 14, 1967)

(facts gathered from the History Channel and Scopesys sites).

Update: we’ve made some sample cards for these alternate valentines.